Why Me,
Why Now?
Well, doctor. It all started 40 years ago...
For as long as I can remember, I have been... a talker. I also have a lot of opinions, which I have never really shied away from sharing, regardless of whether it had been solicited. My mom recently told me that one of my first dozen words was "actually," which.. tracks. If I see a collective group of people functioning less efficiently in their task than they could be, my instinct is to step in and optimize. I embody the "work smarter, not harder" ethos in all areas of my life. I'm not lazy, quite the opposite, but I don't believe in work for work's sake. If people are not open to my (completely logical and correct) suggestions, I am not exactly known for my grace in backing away.
Example: It's 2012. I'm in my dirndle, waitressing at a Midtown East biergarden and my new manager is assigning sections for the evening. In our very first interaction, I informed her - in only slightly politer language - that her way was stupid and inefficient and proceeded to outline a much more logical way of dividing up the floor. This manager would thankfully go on to become one of my very dear friends and always tells the story with a laugh. While she was taken aback at first, she begrudgingly realized that, while my points weren't always delivered with tact, they were usually correct and improved operations. It drove her crazy!
I am the one that people call to organize the games at their birthday parties, or make the playlist for the kickball pregame. Especially when I had the energy of youth, I was the first to arrive, and the last to leave. Even now, in my old age, I rarely leave the house without a pack of cards in my purse, and often travel with a tote bag of games. Any gathering is just a party that hasn't met me yet.
In seeming dissonance with my outwardly expressed personality, I tend to have an acute reaction to injustice and waste that in many cases can manifest physically. While some of this can surely be a result of my personal, educational, and professional experiences, many other people can see and acknowledge these disparities objectively, file them away to contemplate later and carry on with their day. However, one distressing interaction or disturbing situation glimpsed in passing can stop me in my tracks and wholly consume me.
The more I learn about injustice in the world, the angrier I become, and the louder I shout (and the more I read, contrary to logic). My friends have dubbed me "The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party" in honor of Cecily Strong's recurring Weekend Update character who just can't let someone enjoy their holiday party without reminding them of the child laborer that sewed their clothing, or how many hungry people the wasted catering could feed, or who digs through trash cans in search of carelessly discarded recyclables.
This is... a lot. And believe me when I tell you it's the short version
But surely I've learned how to behave in public by now?
My seemingly disproportionate emotional reactions to banal situations, derision for others with unimaginative or inefficient ideas and my penchant for getting the whole room involved in increasingly chaotic drinking games have time and again been cited as areas of my life where I need to "reign it in."
In FIRST GRADE, my teacher had to schedule a double-length parent-teacher conference to discuss increasing my tolerance of my peers and being more respectful of them and their stupid ideas. 35 years later "constructive feedback" calls at work revolve around "why I always have an answer for everything," which is just corporate speak for "stop being a know-it-all." According to my mom, one of my first 20 words was “actually.” She is me. I am her.
And in fairness, this feedback wasn't always unwarranted. I did need to be taken down a peg or two. We can all learn to soften those sharp edges and understand that not everyone has the same thought process.
So, I take a beat before responding which allows me to soften my delivery, or I’ll try my best to let a situation play out, to let people get there on their own, even if it means it takes longer. But even with the benefit of maturity, and therapy, and deep breathing, I am still me. My instinctual responses to situations are what they are. I might have better control over their physical manifestations, but 1991 Hannah and 2025 Hannah are remarkably similar
As we are all taught to do from a young age, I developed ways to disguise and tone down my "extraness." In grade school I learned to stopped correcting teachers when they mispronounced my name (it's HAnnah.. like Moana), because I was so frequently chastised for speaking out of turn. To this day, I rely on others to correct someone's pronunciation because my cheeks burn at the thought of doing it myself.
I lead with apology in new situations, especially at work. I learned to explain that I have resting bitch face from the start (I called it my Bitchy Neutral before RBF was mainstream), in an attempt to head off some of those "constructive feedback" conversations. I can’t help it that when I’m listening and thinking, my face tends to go blank.
I tried so so hard to plant seeds of ideas with people who could introduce them with more tact, even if it meant I wouldn't get credit for the idea (but I LOVE getting credit for my ideas!).
I stayed behind to collect all of the wasted agendas and information packets printed for client meetings that get left behind, using them for scrap paper, rather than trying to stop them from getting printed in the first place (truly, I’m working through a pile of scrap paper that goes back 10 years).
But the reality is, all of these work arounds were maladaptive behaviors. And it's not like I was suppressing criminal instincts! Even so, all of this energy was expended hiding parts of my true self that were not in accordance with what the world expected.
Astrology gave me permission to flip a deficit-based narrative to an asset-based one
No two birth charts are the same - they are what make us one of a kind
My Libra sun demands fairness, balance, and harmony. It needs to equal parts dark and light. It needs beautiful things, and loves the color pink, and has gifted me a unique ability to instinctively understand both sides of a situation. It helps me navigate social situations with ease, make small talk at cocktail parties and ensure that everyone feels included. And yes, it also means I have trouble enforcing boundaries, can be self-absorbed and judgemental at times, I have trouble making decisions, and my outgoing exterior has historically masked a deep insecurity and sense of "otherness."
My Gemini rising enhances that social butterfly persona, it fuels my voracious appetite for travel, my love of learning, pursuit of higher education and interest in a wide variety of topics. It's my sarcastic, dry sense of humor and entertainer instincts that have made me the life of the party, but often landed me in hot water. It also accounts for my impatience when people don’t “get there faster,” and annoyance when they don’t get there at all. An intense FOMO about the lives I'm not living and the potential I'm not reaching lead to restlessness and flighty behavior. I have an unquenchable thirst for more and you ask me to slow down at your own risk.
I had to look no further than my moon in Pisces to understand my deep feelings and innate understanding of the human condition. It is a deeply sensitive placement. I process the world through my emotions, rather than logic and intellect (although my sun and rising signs are intellect-forward so sometimes they balance it out, and sometimes they are in conflict with each other). To make it extra fun, my uber sensitive moon sits in the area of life that deals with career, public image and reputation in my chart. This connected so many dots for me, since my emotional wellbeing can often be directly linked to my status at work, and my need to be recognized for it. I’ve never been a good “behind the scenes” person. It also explained why early career experiences in the humanitarian field took such a toll on my mental health, and led to unhealthy coping mechanisms. In a field where a traditional definition of "success" is rarely an achievable goal - I was essentially set up to fail.
These three main placements, coupled with dozens of other details present in my birth chart helped me understand that my inability to change my "weak areas" weren't due to a failure of will or discipline, but because they are the fundamental things that make me... me.
The revelation hit me like a lightning bolt
Why should I continue choosing environments that force me to battle my natural instincts on a regular basis?
Why pick a career in spaces where I would continue to receive the same "constructive feedback" every quarter?
If things not getting done because the team was still miles away from arriving at the conclusion I reached weeks ago, why was I in roles that required endless patience?
Surely there was a way for me to lean into these gifts and make some strategic decisions in service of living a life that prioritized environments where they could be let off leash?
So I started mapping it out - what were the non negotiable things that I needed in my life, in my work, in my friendships, and what were the non-starters? Could I create a "cheat sheet" that I could incorporate into decision making processes and evaluation of opportunities in order to understand if I would be forced to constrict, or able to proudly shine?
Strategists are always asking "what if"
The Plan asks:
What if you stopped apologizing to others for the parts of your personality that rub people the wrong way?
What if you embraced them, nurtured them, and then let them fly?
What if you treated your instincts as a trusted partner in decision making, instead of a feeling to fight against?
What if you stopped saying yes to things that conflict with your values, or that put you in situations where you have to shrink (or expand) to fit?
What if you had the audacity to build the life you want to live?
What if we ALL had the audacity?
This will look different for everyone, and that's such a beautiful thing. I can't wait to do this together!
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